They did not bury the condemned in the burial grounds of his ancestors, but there were two graveyards made ready for the use of the court, one for those who were beheaded or strangled, and one for those who were stoned or burned.(6.5e, f)

Bar Kappara: “Until three days [after death] the soul keeps on returning to the grave, thinking that it will go back [into the body]; but when it sees that the facial features have become disfigured, it departs and abandons it [the body].”

The full force of mourning lasts for three days. Why? Because [for that length of time] the shape of the face is recognizable, even as we have learnt in the Mishnah: Evidence [to prove a man's death] is admissible only in respect of the full face, with the nose, and only [by one who has seen the corpse] within three days [after death].

One may go out to the cemetery for three days to inspect the dead for a sign of life, without fear that this smacks of heathen practice. For it happened that a man was inspected after three days, and he went on to live twenty-five years; still another went on to have five children and died later. (8.1)

Thus, in Jewish tradition, it was considered possible for a soul to reunite with its body within three days but not after that as sometime on the third day the soul realized the body was rotting, and then departed.

No, the burial story does not match up with what we know about Jewish law and ritual at the time. All I smell so far is a huge stink.

This video is from a real ska band called Sonseed.

I tried to find lyrics of this song online, but I couldn’t find any. However, courtesy of me, I transcribed the lyrics of song! (Further proof that I have no life.)

Jesus is My Friend by Sonseed

Jesus is a friend of mine
Jesus is my friend
Jesus is a friend of mine
I have a friend in Jesus

Jesus is a friend of mine
Jesus is my friend
Jesus is a friend of mine

He taught me how to live my life as it should be
He taught me how to turn my cheek when people laugh at me
I’ve had friends before and I can tell you that
He’s one who will never leave you flat!

Chorus

He taught me how to pray and how to save my soul
He taught me how to praise my god and still play rock and roll
The music may sound different but the message is the same
It’s just an instrumental praise his name

Chorus

Jesus is a friend of mine
Jesus is a friend of mine

Once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide
But Jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside
He is like a mountie, he always gets his man
And he’ll zap you any way he can. Zap!

Chorus

He loves me when I’m right, He loves me when I’m wrong
He loves me when I waste my time by writing silly songs
He loves me when I’m quiet and I have nothing to say
He’ll love me when I’m perfect if I ever get that way

Jesus is a friend of mine
Jesus is my friend
Jesus is a friend of mine
I have a friend in Jesus

Jesus is a friend of mine
Jesus is my friend
Jesus is a friend of mine
I have a friend in Jesus

Jesus is a friend of mine
J-J-J-Jesus
Jesus is a friend of mine

That was frightening, but I did enjoy this part of the song:

But Jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside
He is like a mountie, he always gets his man
And he’ll zap you any way he can

I do love Christians. My mom, sister, step-dad, aunt, grandmother, cousins and best friend are all Christian. And I love them all, very much. I don’t support people who cut them down intellectually, emotionally and socially because of their faith. I don’t support people who don’t want to hear their side of issues, who don’t want them to be able to practice their faith or who think that talking to them is a waste of time. I don’t support the Rational Response Squad because of the horribly intolerant attitude toward religion. I am *not* intolerant of religion. I am intolerant of religion in my legislation, I am intolerant of religion controlling my decisions on birth, I am intolerant of religion starting wars, I am intolerant of religion being pushed onto children who have no choice, I am intolerant of religion in the class room, I am intolerant of my taxpayer dollars going to religious schools, I am intolerant of my gay best friend not being allowed to get married, I am intolerant of people thinking I have no morals because I have no religion, I am intolerant of the militarism that is portrayed through religion, I am intolerant of hate crimes…

I may be nice to Christians, and I may want to hear what they have to say…and I may also not want to listen to atheists bitch and moan or listen to them talk about how stupid Christians and religion is – but this in no way translates to “I’m a scared little atheist girl who is just so scared of the big scary world! I’m just not ready to tell religions to go away, and I just want everyone to get along!” … I don’t care if everyone gets along, as long as there are capitalists there is competition and as long as there is competition there is fighting. I’m totally cool with that. I just don’t care about what religious people do in the privacy of their homes.

It’s like sex… don’t force it on me or any children to do it and don’t do it in parliament or the schools or in public and I don’t care what you do. Do it in your own home, of building that YOU pay for with consenting adults.

I feel like my history has a lot to do with why I think like this, and why people never understand where I’m coming from. I am a previous evangelical Christian. I worked at a christian camp for years, where I met practically all of my friends that I was close with. I was a member of the “Clarkson Crusade for Christ” at my high school and would go to the flag pole to pray every morning at 7am. I went to church with my mom and my step dad (a minister), and at church I was an active congregation member. I sang in the church choir, I ran the 30 hour famine with over 40 students at the church, I went to retreats to learn how to further my relationship with God and I taught Sunday school classes to younger kids. I thought abortion was wrong, I thought that gays were a little off and I was against the evil media trying to put horrible ideas of sex, alcohol, drugs and consumption into my head. I wanted to travel to Africa to be a missionary, to teach others how to love Christ. I wanted to go to the honor academy in Texas so I could devote my life a youth minister. I even went to those horrible Acquire the Fire rallies in Hamilton (they mostly happen in the states) with host Ron Luce who would convince me that I was a horrible person. With my hands in the air, tears streaming down my face, I would sob to the “Lord” to wash me clean of my sins. I would fall to my knees and beg Ron Luce, Jesus and God to forgive me for being such a horrible person.

The flip side of this is that I saw the beauty and wonder in the universe, that I also saw as God’s creation. I now see the beauty and owner in the universe in science, discovery and exploration, but that’s beside the point. I felt happy every single day, because I was important to god. It made it easier to deal with horrible things that happened in my life. It made it very easy to think I was doing good in the world by praying. I felt good.

One day someone asked me “What’s so horrible about TV? The bible is more violent than the shows I watch.” …I thought that was pretty valid. When I asked my Sunday School teacher he brushed me off, I didn’t like that. So I asked “Why is there suffering if there is a God? There must be no God.”…I got an evil glare and was asked to leave the class and go back to class. When I got home that Sunday I started reading. And within a few nights decided there was nothing wrong with being gay. Soon after I decided there was nothing wrong with abortion, TV, premarital sex, and that there was probably no God. At the time I kept a live journal and wrote that on there. It got Googled and was found by my camp, I was asked not to come back. I lost all my friends. Soon I lost all my friends at school too, because they were C4Cers. I lost my faith, family and friends in a matter of 2 weeks.

The rest is pretty much – I did radio/writing/blogging/debating about religion, I found CFI and thought it was cool, I joined and now all my friends are atheist and I work there. (Only that happened over the course of like 3 years)

So now I’m left sitting in this post-Christian life, and those of you who have never been in that religious life can honesty – never understand what I’m sitting with. I have deep internalized guilt about almost everything I do. I cry so incredibly hard sometimes because I am so guilty about my life. For some reason, I think that because I’ve left religion I am a horrible person. I have been indoctrinated with the idea of heaven and hell. I am worried that I will be in hell. I have been indoctrinated to think that the abortion I decided to have was killing something that had a path in life. I still, for some reason, cling to this idea of “a right to life” for all humans even before sentience. There is absolutely no logical reason I can think of as to why, but it brings up all kinds of sad, guilty and angry emotions.

So, why have I shared this? 1) I understand what Christians feel, see and go through. I’ve been there, and for some people, it is a great thing. They need religion to cope, live and love. That’s fine. 2) The reason I am so incredibly against religion is because of what it does to children. I am a living, breathing example of a child who was indoctrinated with this bullshit and now has to attempt to deal with it in their day to day life. It rips me apart inside.

Hopefully this little rant can give people a little more insight into how I think, and why I write what I write. I am a critical person who takes criticism poorly. I am support of religion that says in the private life, because I know how much comfort it offers people. I am against religion being pushed on, taught to and slammed into children and confused teenagers. But to those who aren’t doing it? I refuse to call them irrational, I refuse to call them stupid and I refuse to attempt to take down their support base. As Voltaire said “I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will fight to the death your right to say it.” I will also fight to the death to keep religion off of women’s bodies, out of children’s minds, out of science and out of politics. That is why I work where I work. …I spend every waking hour that I’m not at school at the Center for Inquiry promoting secularism, freedom of expression and proper political strategies.

I don’t think the poster boys are elitist. I just don’t think they understand me, religious people or what I stand for. So I don’t support them. The next person to tell me it must be “easy” for me to be an atheist in Canada… really needs to reread this. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life, and I would not wish it upon my worst enemy.

You know that at least one of the items, whose bid starts at $35,000, is authentic because of a clever disclaimer in its description: “NOT A FRAUD” (the same description also categorizes it as a “CONVERSATION PIECE”). Another way the authenticity of the item is guaranteed is that Jesus once referred to himself as a door, and now someone has referred to a door as Jesus, so that’s airtight. That’s just logic. For those of you seeking to compliment your coffee table with some decorative piece besides your stack of full-color atlases of Australia, take heart: the shipping on the item is free.

Most of you will recall the moldy cheese sandwich whose askance grill-lines were popularly interpreted as being the face of the “Virgin Mary.” Behind the overwhelming kitsch of the whole story is the alarming fact that this divine apparition sold for $28,000 dollars, roughly the price of a good midsize car. Mary, who has since filled out her global tour schedule with appearances in windows, trees, garages, and South Park (though the Pope has declared this latter apparition to be not a miracle), can now be purchased as a curled chunk of stone… for $10,000. But the shipping, again, is free, so you might want to take this one before it has to be re-listed with a UPS fee.

Obviously, close to none of the few people who actually buy these things are doing it out of genuine religious devotion. When Jesus appeared on a cheese sandwich, it was snapped up not by a raving fanatic, but by an online casino seeking to cash in on the phenomenon. A Virgin Mary apparition on the side of a house that burned down, and then left the apparition in the scars on the walls (Virgin Mary loves the world so much, she is willing to demolish somebody’s home to show us her curves?) wasn’t bought for adoration by some zealously irrational Catholic, it was just left up as part of the new home.

But suppose there are people who do actually purchase these items for their devotional value. Such people could potentially be spending a fortune on slabs of wood, broken drywall, and toasted cheese products every year out of a genuinely insane conception of reality. Now I say genuinely insane not necessarily to deprecate religiosity, but I really mean that there is a severe cognitive error made in pursuing the extravagant cost of these items because you think that God is actually burned into your back door.

One metric used to evaluate whether a belief is psychotic is whether or not it comes from the general cultural milieu or not (note that sincerity is not considered here, since one can sincerely believe himself to be a piece of ham and still be a bit off). For example, using ritual magic to act out cannibalism is not psychotic because millions of practicing Christians do it every Sunday. However, actually going out and trying to eat someone in line at the superstore because you think it will give you magic powers is crazy. Eating people for magic’s sake, beyond being both illegal and impolite, is a good indicator of genuine mental disorder because it has no parallel in the general cultural background.

Likewise, there are a lot of people who are willing to huddle around a sprinkler-stain and hope that the dim outline of a person translates into a miraculous cure. This may be stupid, it may convict many of the faithful of being gullible to the point of farce, but it isn’t insane. Why? Because a lot of stupid, farce-worthy people do it. What is insane, however, is taking an object that has no cultural significance whatsoever (the Shrine of Lourdes has cultural staying power; a dog’s asshole does not) and paying the value of a dozen laptops for it. This has no relationship to mainstream religious beliefs, and indicates that you are probably crazy.

Nor does such an investment even parallel the logic of religious beliefs. No religious traditions has any surviving first-hand descriptions of what Jesus’s mother looked like, or what Jesus himself looked like. Nor does it concord with general Christian beliefs to think that the Second Coming will take place on a fishstick. Mainstream Christian belief is obsessed with the death and zombification of a wandering Palestinian schizoaffective exorcist, but has no place for calls to impoverish yourself in order to put you near something that, totally by accident, can fool you into thinking that it bears an anonymous face that you label the face of Jesus, or of Mary.

Obviously, the salient feature here is the expenditure of large sums of money. But then, some people, in their desperation, buy expensive plane tickets to fly their ailing loved ones to healing shrines like Lourdes and de Chimayo, don’t they? This investment can easily run up into the thousands of dollars. Is this insane? Probably not, since it firstly does accord with the cultural practice of people liking to stand near famous/’holy’ places, and secondly, it is mitigated by grief-induced religious mania.

Two conclusions have clearly emerged. If you are the kind of person who peddles overpriced baked portraits on ebay, you are eventually going to be taking advantage of someone who is mentally ill. Just as bad, if you are the curator of a place like Lourdes, then it is literally your day-by-day profession to exploit the helplessness of the grieving and the dying by deceiving them into thinking that some dirty sewer water has even a slim chance of curing their cancer, so long as that dirty sewer water emits from a pipe close enough to a cathedral.

These religious icons are silly. Cheese sandwiches are funny, and when you see one of these things in a museum or a casino at some point in the future, you’ll laugh. But when your customer buys it out of holy terror, or when the venue is visited not by vacationing thrill-seekers but by the terminally ill clinging to desperate promises made by cynical old pulpit-men, then what are you are doing is not a joke any more. It is a crime against humanity.

At the end of it, this cultish streetcorner pencil-peddler, this hapless and much-despised gadfly declares himself king of all Israel, is deserted by the courts who probably viewed him as but a novelty until Rome grew weary of his quaint nationalism, and is murdered on a tree before the eyes of his own family. The executioner, a cynical, barbaric tyrant by the name of Pontius Pilate, is presented by later chroniclers as a weak-kneed incompetent who is almost dissuaded from his legal duties by his wife’s fever dream, and his flagging cult is revived only when his followers append a confusing and purely theological resurrection narrative (a staple of Greek mythology that is virtually unheard of in Jewish scripture) to his untimely, undignified demise.

This story is historical gobbledygook. It is riddled with anachronisms, theological meddling, latter-day Gospel appellations to the historical record, and general myth-making of every stripe. How are we to make sense of this story, which is the only documentation that exists of the beginning of the world’s most successful religious tradition? Who is this Jesus? Where does he come from? How could such a person’s ideas find any traction in Israel, a waning society of squabbling political parties whose corrupt elders openly collaborate with the Roman occupiers and whose economy is so upended that five thousand would gather at the promise of a single bucketful of fish? For centuries, we appeared doomed to swallow the whole, improbable story on the basis of the most dreaded word in the secular skeptic’s vocabulary: faith.

But nearly two thousand years after the deserts of Judah gave us the question, they gave us the answer. Starting in 1947, a network of caves near the bleaching rubble of an old Jewish installation at Kirbet Qumran has yielded to us a priceless treasure. A number of documents belonging to an enigmatic sect of aesthetes called the Essenes were revealed to scholars and archaeologists, and the story they tell is remarkable.

According to the thousands of recovered pages of what have come to be called the Dead Sea Scrolls, The Essenes were a secretive cult of world-rejecting Jews who broadly tarred all non-Essene Jews as “Convenant-Breakers” and whose scribal obsessions included the architecture of the Jewish Temple, preserving the Jewish canon, and augmenting it with elaborate tails of a cosmic, light-versus-dark struggle that will one day consume all the world. One of their most interesting documents tells of an anonymous “Teacher of Righteousness“, a deeply pious elder locked in endless struggle with a “Wicked Priest” who reinterprets the Prophets and speaks in riddles.

The Dead Sea Scrolls, which are about as fragile as one would expect 2,300-year-old parchment paper to be, are finally being preserved digitally. No longer will a provincial tribe of scholars horde them to themselves; now we can all see them for ourselves in their original form. We don’t have to buy expensive translations of them or rely on this or that redaction edition: we can read them for ourselves.

Hopefully, the parallels between our itinerant apocalypticist and the theology of the Essenes is clear. The in-group/out-group politics, the fierce condemnation of contemporary political authority, the frequent calls to utterly abandon all material possessions, the demons, the Prophet exegesis, the impending apocalypse, it’s all there. But, why should we care?

Given that one of the chief motives of the modern secular movement is a rational investigation of history, we must realize that the Dead Sea Scrolls’ value to the investigation of Christianity is incalculable. Rather than being awed (even persuaded) by the staggering growth of what started as the “Jesus cult,” we now instead know that this was a perfectly normal theological mutation of a highly similar group of religious fanatics whose religious beliefs needed only a little fire and brimstone to kick-start a global enterprise. Instead of dismissing Jesus as mere madman, we see that instead his teachings were based on a perfectly rational interpretation of religious ideas that far predated Christianity, and in a way that maybe prove even more impenetrable than the Christian-pagan comparisons made by Earl Doherty and Robert M. Price.

We can learn so much about the character of the disciples who, at first blush, look simply nuts. Fictional or not, we could never understand how anyone could even plausibly mistake their behavior for realistic until we understand that world-rejection may have bordered on the commonplace in ancient Israel. Jesus himself is revealed as the mouthpiece of a far vaster underground countercultural movement; rather than let him be buried in the nonsense about virgin births and wandering stars cooked up by Hellenized followers decades after the fact, we see that he would have made perfect sense in the vocabulary of his contemporaries.

Most importantly to our inquiry, we understand that he was not by any stretch the first of his kind. Similarities to the Apollonius or Mithra cult no longer need to be stretched since we have nearly a perfect match between the Gospel Jesus and the Teacher of Righteousness. Christianity is revealed not as God’s complete overthrow of history, but rather as a mere sect of a sect, merely a new strain of a mutant, dissenting form of Judaism.

The Dead Sea Scrolls will be online soon in their original Hebrew, Greek, and Aramaic. And we, as secular inquirers whose thirst for understanding of religion vastly outmatches that of most of the religious themselves, have no greater prize. Once endangered by Middle Eastern strife, exposure to air, and the slow rotting of time, they are now immortalized in a free, open form for everyone. The Scrolls may be safe, but their secrets will never be safe again. And that is a victory for free inquiry.

Comparing South Park’s (SP) portrayal of Scientology (part 1) to the portrayal of Christianity is like comparing Hiroshima to the invasion of Iraq.  The attack on Scientology was mostly done in one epic episode that aimed at completely dismantling the cult’s credibility.  Christianity, on the other hand, is given some lenience.  Parker and Stone attack Christianity often, but not nearly as harsh.  It’s more like a slow moving invasion of Christianity’s most cherished beliefs.

Their main source of lampooning this religion is through one of SP’s most beloved characters, Jesus – a resident of South Park.  Parker and Stone have anthropomorphized  Jesus, taking him off the podium where Christians have placed him.  To Parker and Stone, Jesus was just a normal guy; that is…if he even existed at all, which is evidenced in season 11 where they have Jesus residing in “Imaginationland.”

The funniest Jesus antics are his attempts at magic.  In “Super Best Friends” Jesus loses a battle of magical talents to David Blaine.  In the scene, Blaine first eats his own head and the crowd goes wild.  Jesus pulls out a cart of fish and exclaims “Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd, but now – turn around.”  As the crown turns around Jesus pulls out fish and bread from behind the cart and piles it on top of the cart.  Jesus then tells the crowd to turn back around, which does, and to the viewers’ amazement, starts cheering in awe.  What better way for Parker and Stone to make fun of Jesus then to show how people are gullible to simple miracles magic that Jesus most likely performed (if he even existed).

Aside from poking fun at Jesus, SP also takes on the institution of Roman Catholicism.  In “Red Hot Catholic Love” father Maxi from South Park goes to the Vatican to inform them of his shocking discovery that all American priests molest little boys, only to find out that all of the members at the Vatican do as well.  Even the Galgameks molest their children.

In “Hell on Earth 2006” priests and bishops are shown walking with little naked boys on leashes.  They attempt to get into a party being held by Satan who is ironically gay. To make matters worse, in the SP world, the Vatican is governed not by the Pope, but by a giant queen spider that appears before the members of the Vatican.  Father Maxi is fed up and gives a typical SP rant.  “When you start turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well… Well, you end up with this. [shows the ruins, and then the Queen Spider, then the Gelgameks].”

In another instance, Jesus tells the Pope “…men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit. And a rabbit should be Pope.”  It’s a safe bet to say Parker and Stone don’t like Catholicism when they speak of a rabbit having better judgment than the Pope.

On numerous occasions, Christian organizations have attempted to have SP episodes banned from TV and DVD sales, but to no avail.  The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, run by Edger’s beloved friend Bill Donahue (insert sarcasm), condemned an episode because of the portrayal of the Virgin Mary.  They demanded that Parker and Stone apologize to Roman Catholics and that the episode be retired from ever airing again.  Parker and Stone did neither.  The American Family Association (A Christian backed organization) convinced advertisers like Best Buy, Geico, and Foot Looker to pull out their advertisements during the show and even persuaded J.C. Penny to stop carrying SP merchandise but failed to get episodes pulled.

One only has to look at how many Christians live in America to see how dedicated Parker and Stone are to attacking the taboo.  They risk losing millions of viewers because of their portrayals of Christianity, and surely they’ve lost many, but continue to make fun of it nonetheless.

For the sake of keeping you from reading too much, I’ve left out other SP attacks on Christianity.  Here is a shortlist of some more.

South Park has shown,

• God as a hippo-like creature.
• Father Maxi having sex in a church.
• Kyle killing Jesus.
• Cartman manipulating Christians with crappy Christian Rock.
• Cartman taking on the persona of an televangelist after learning that only getting into heaven matters.
• The inconsistencies of doctrine when father Maxi tells children that Timmy (who is deaf/dumb) will go to Hell if he can’t confess his sins
• Jesus killing Bill Donahue.
• Jesus killing terrorists.
• The Pope as senile.
• Christian missionaries abundantly eating  juxtaposed with starving Africans.
• Pat Robertson begging TV viewers for money for an interstellar cruiser to go proselytize other planets.
• A statue of the Virgin Mary shitting blood on the Pope.

Next week is Part 3 – Islam

Chick’s online catalog has dozens of different tracts, but it is unlikely that you will see any of his recent works in the outstretched hand of your friendly neighborhood evangelist. Chick, who is now 84, has not been producing works of the same “quality” as his most famous tract “This Was Your Life” for years. In fact, given the complete ridiculousness of some of his most recent tracts, it may be time to speculate on whether Mr. Chick is in fact in a state of mental decline.

Chick’s first tract, “Why No Revival?,” is a lucid, by-Christians-for-Christians story of a young man who is turned on to Jesus by an anonymous evangelist and who then undertakes a career of “reviving” Protestant churches that have gone astray, much to the chagrin of the demons who try to tempt him off the path of piety throughout the story (his second tract, “A Demon’s Nightmare,” is almost exactly the same story). “This Was Your Life,” which Chick’s site claims has alone sold almost a hundred million copies worldwide, is an almost entirely scriptural appeal to existential terror of death, and to find Jesus before it’s too late.

His most recent tract, by contrast, is a garbled mess. “First Bite,” which was released the day before this writing, is the almost incomprehensible story of a Satanic coven that is waiting for some kind of demonic anti-messiah named Igor. Igor is born, raised by “dragon masters, grand lodge leaders and ‘9 unknown men,’” and when he comes of age, Satan himself tells the coven that little Igor has to have his “first bite” of human flesh before he can take over the world (why this is the case is not made clear). The coven just happens to pick an innocent young evangelical Christian woman as the victim, Igor moves in for the kill, the woman shouts some Bible passages at him, and then Igor’s fangs magically disappear, he converts to Christianity, and the coven goes into panic-mode when Satan shrugs and says he was lying about Igor all along.

The tract before that, “Who Is He?” appears to be a normal Chick tract: it is a scripture-filled general summary of evangelical theological beliefs about who Jesus was, replete with straw-man unbelievers who say things like “Jesus was Buddha’s cousin” and a filthy, tattooed biker who says that Jesus was a “hoax.”

This tract, however lucid it appears to be, is suspiciously bereft of new material. As someone who has been collecting these tracts for some time, I notice that it has almost no illustrations that have not appeared in previous Chick tracts, and even its story arc completely breaks the Chick formula: in most Chick tracts, there is the wise servant of Jesus and the confused, laughably gullible or uninformed nonbeliever, and often there is a third character (usually either a demon, a scientist, or a Catholic) who tries to lead the gullible non-Christian astray. The stories are usually tug-of-war fables that end up with somebody in hell, somebody in heaven, and a hasty message about how to find Jesus. “Who Is He?” has none of that. Even “This Was Your Life” has the wise angel and the duped unsaved man, whereas “Who Is He?” has no actual characters, dialogue, or particularly useful message of any kind “Who Is He?” is mostly just a regurgitation of previous Chick material, both visually and textually, and so it is quite likely that Chick himself did very little “new” work on this one.

Like “First Bite,” Chick’s third-to-most-recent tract, “There Go the Dinosaurs,” provides strong evidence that all is not right in Chick’s mind, or certainly at least that the quality of his writing and drawing has diminished significantly. “Dinosaurs” is, like “First Bite,” completely incomprehensible and incredibly childish. It tells the story of the last dinosaur (whose thoughts we can read in little bubbles) who tries to hide from a vaguely Middle Ages-ish tribe of hunters by (and this is not a joke) hiding her head in a cloud. The story moves gracelessly into a laughably unsubstantiated tirade about evolution (but only after the inexplicable exclamation that the “dino-burgers” eaten by the hunters took “36 trips! to scavenge from poor Ms. Dinosaur’s corpse) and then closes with the familiar “Heaven or Hell? – Your Choice” page about how to find Jesus.

Of his last three tracts, two are complete messes and one is recycled, and may not even have been written by Chick himself given the oddities in its narrative structure. Has this once-great evangelist, who claims to have saved millions of souls worldwide, simply lost his touch? Or is he in a genuine state of decline?

Jack Chick is 84 this year. The quality of his writing is down, his new stories (when he does write stories) are so incomprehensible and so silly an objective observer would be tempted to view them as parodies. There is nothing in his last three tracts that is even plausibly mistakable for the familiar, modern-day, real-life stories of Christians and unbelievers duking it out for spiritual control of the undecided. Instead, all that is left is an old man telling stories about vampires and dinosaur hunters. His advanced age and diminished creative capacities lead me to believe that it won’t be long before we see the final Chick tract, and we have certainly seen the last legible, new one.

I think that poster just about speaks for itself.

My group at the University of Alberta was recently made office-mates with Outreach, the LGBTQ group on campus; we might have to hang some of these on our door.

Here comes the fun part: I am going to refute Warren’s assertion using the Bible itself.

There are various passages that speak of how one is required to repent of sins and believe that Jesus was resurrected and is the only way to the Father to be saved. The act of believing in Jesus is a far cry away from actually having a personal relationship with Jesus, and here we shall see that nowhere in the Bible is there such a mandate for this personal relationship dogma. As far as the Bible is concerned, this doctrine is simply made up by evangelical Christian theologians.

Let us now take a look at John 15: 1-13.

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 The same was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. 6 There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe. 8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light. 9 That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world. 10 He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not. 11 He came unto his own, and his own received him not. 12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: 13 Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.

Here, we can see that being a Christian involves a vague spiritual union with Jesus, but nowhere in there is the ‘personal relationship’ which is much touted by modern Christianity even seen. Warren’s “carrying on a continual conversation with Jesus” seems ridiculous in light of scripture. The Bible does not even say anything remotely like what Warren claims, yet he sums up Christian worship as having this very relationship (which is notably absent from the Bible)!

Next comes John 10:1-16, in which Jesus says that his sheep recognize his voice, while those not of his flock turn a deaf ear:

1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber. 2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep. 3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. 4 And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice. 5 And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers. 6 This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them. 7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep. 8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them. 9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. 10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. 11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep. 12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep. 13 The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep. 14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine. 15 As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16 And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.

These verses again have nothing to do with a personal relationship with Jesus and talking to him on a daily basis. These verses simply depict the reception and rejection of the gospel, where the non-believers are likened to Satan’s flock as opposed to the Christians of Jesus’ flock. Let’s take a look at John 10:14 in particular, as most Christians will pull out this verse haphazardly to save their precious doctrine. What this verse really means is that Jesus’ followers will be able to distinguish him from the false teachings and teachers that were earlier mentioned in John 10:8. It has nothing to do with the personal relationship that Warren so desires.

Christians will usually point out Revelation 3:20 next. Is this the saving grace for Warren’s assertions?

20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

Sadly (at least for Warren and his followers), it falls short yet again. By itself, the verse sounds promising. It shows not only Jesus talking with you, but also eating with you! However, when put in context, the verse is contained in John’s letters to the seven churches, and the letters are regarding the events of the End Times, not a personal relationship with Jesus.

But, what about the whole context of the letter to Laodicea? Doesn’t the whole letter hint at a personal relationship with Jesus? Am I the one now following Warren’s cue at taking Bible verses out of context? Well, let’s take a look at the scripture:

14 And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God; 15 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. 16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. 17 Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked: 18 I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see. 19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. 20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. 21 To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne. 22 He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.

What this letter really says is that Jesus is calling on those within the city, hoping that they will hear him so that they can be led to salvation. These events will take place just before the End Times, and all this has clearly nothing to do with having cozy personal conversations with Jesus. The supper that Jesus promises is not some one-on-one Warren-like meeting, but the Marriage Supper of the Lamb at the End Times:

Revelation 19: 7-9:

7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. 8 And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints. 9 And he saith unto me, Write, Blessed are they which are called unto the marriage supper of the Lamb. And he saith unto me, These are the true sayings of God.

Even further on, in Revelation 19: 17-21, Jesus is not even hinting at wanting a personal relationship with Christians at all. He is merely inviting his flock to witness and indulge in the slaughter of the non-believers and the beast:

17 And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; 18 That ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men, both free and bond, both small and great. 19 And I saw the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against him that sat on the horse, and against his army. 20 And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone. 21 And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

I have clearly shown that these gory details are nothing like Warren’s “falling in love with Jesus” and conversing daily with Christ. Even better still, I am relying solely on the *Bible (albeit without Warren’s back-and-forth hopping using about 15 translations) to show that Warren’s whole premise of “real Christian worship” is not founded upon anything in the Bible. There is simply no basis in scripture for claiming that Christianity entails having a personal relationship with Jesus, therefore, one of the most popular Christian slogans has been refuted using the Bible itself.

This reminds me of an article in Free Inquiry by Richard Dawkins entitled “Gerin Oil”.

These people are trippin balls on Gerin Oil, and while normally this would anger me, this is just too beautifully hilarious.

Suit Jacket guy busting out at the 1:00 mark = classic