Chris Ray - December 2nd, 2008 in Commentary 0 votes Vote Up! Vote Down!

Note from the editor: Edger columnist Chris Ray is on unpaid leave this month pending the results of an investigation into allegations of defamation of religion. His columns for December will be written by guest contributer Rev. Thor M’Glarven Krandok, high priest of the Dark Dungeons Coven in Sasquatutcha, Maine.

What has become of our beloved Yuletide, my friends and fellows? By the Gods and Lesser Demons, I say, I didn’t spend three years completing an online correspondence course in geomancy just to watch these “Christians” take our beloved solstice-day from us!

Back when I was a young soul, Christmas really meant something- the communal slaughter of cattle, the unbridled indulgence in drink-sodden orgy, the tying of the ol’ family sunpost to prevent our beloved Sol from escaping during the winter months. Why, even Sol Invictus himself seems evicted from his own favorite feast day by these bawling bandits of Beiwe, all in the name of “political correctness” and “Jesus” and all that!

Poppycock and paganism, I say!

No longer can we use mistletoe for ritual magic. Never again will we be allowed to brutally sacrifice our most buxom daughters in the Festival of the Wild Women. No, now all we use mistletoe for is some prudish parody of the genuinely lustrous celebrations of old. And human sacrifice? Forget it! Now they only let us kill the occasional puttering peon at Wal-Mart when he gets in the way of our Solstice Shopping Spree. Tell me, if you were the divine superintelligence watching over the spring crop yield, would you be appeased by the sneaker-stamped skull of some toothless old greeter from down at the local consumatorium? I think not!

Who will help the widow’s son, you ask? Not these Christians, by Glasya-Labolas! No, all they want is “Merry Christmas” in our shops and “Nativity scenes” on our town halls. Not satisfied with merely stealing our holiday, ruthlessly suppressing our cultural heritage, and trying to burn to cinders every reference to our ancient ways, they want to add insult to Inquisition by telling us that Christmas is all about their kitschy Mithra knockoff-in-chief Jesus Christ!

This “political correctness” fad has to come to an end. The original, true, authentic Christmas was a time of delirious merrymaking for nearly every civilization in recorded history. It wasn’t about this madman exorcist wandering the desert spouting nonsense about the end of days, it was about getting so drunk you go blind and having sex with your daughter! It wasn’t about Persian kings giving gifts to some spoiled brat in a manger in Bethlehem (or was that Nazareth?), it was about sending your favored local god a hefty sacrifice and fellating the high priest for good luck!

This newfangled Christian cult has stolen our heritage from us, and they’re getting so cranky in their vigilante merrymaking that they’ll try to whitewash us True Christmasers from history. Don’t let that trampled Wal-Mart stooge’s dying breath be “Merry Christmas,” let it be “Happy Holidays”- the original Christmas was for everyone, not just the descendants of a wretched tribe of squabbling Nicean bishops. Don’t waste your money buying nice things for your good-looking children and sexually attractive wife- sacrifice them to Ba’al!

I’m declaring a War for Christmas, and I say- join me, or abandon our most sacred traditions to the hands of these modernists!

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Tags: Christmas