If you’ve actually read the bible then you know that contradictions appear more than Jesus on toast, yet it’s not often you see a strident believer standing on a soapbox and preaching the gospel of contradiction. Instead, he’ll preach that it’s literal truth, or at least that it’s a bunch of helpful metaphors. Either way you swing it, be it that truth and contradictions only work together when defining ‘oxymoron’, or that a metaphor that contradicts with another metaphor isn’t necessarily the best way to compare things, the bible is only as helpful as the eyes of those who colour it.
So i’ve taken it upon myself – with the help of your friendly neighborhood contradiction preachers – to paint this town red and give you the five best glaring contradictions from the bible, with some modern equivalents to put the proverbial cherry on top.
1. Animal before man? Or man before animal?
So we all know the story…Adam is lonelier than a prepubescent WOW addict so God brings him some animals to name.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. [Genesis 18-19]
What the preachers of contradiction have to say about it:
Modern equivalent:
Moderator: Senator McCain, are Americans better off than they were 8 years ago?
McCain: I think you could argue that Americans overall are better off.
Reporter: Senator, you do not believe we are better off by any means than we were 8 years ago
McCain: Oh no…no. (assuredly).
2. Two animals? Or seven animals?
So God didn’t know if he created man or animal first. So what, we all have brain burps once and awhile. Surely he must have understood how many animals needed to be put on Noahs ark for them to procreate and once again populate the earth… right? Two seems reasonable…
You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. [Genesis 6:19]
What the preachers of contradiction have to say about it:
Modern equivalent:
McCain: We let spending get completely out of control. Of course those tax cuts have to remain perminent.
McCain: I voted against the tax cuts
McCain; I voted to extend them
McCain: I voted against the tax cut
McCain: I’ve always been for tax cuts
3. It is finished? Or Father, into your hands I commend my spirit?
God didn’t have the greatest track record through the old testament. It was violent, barbaric, and nationalistic. “No wonder it had contradictions,” you say. “It was so clearly written by man.”…Right?
What you really mean, to take the words right out of Anne Coulter’s mouth, is that the New Testament corrected the Old Testament, contradictions and all. Unfortunately, the writers of the NT weren’t any less prone to human folly than those who wrote the OT.
According to the way most people contrast the OT and NT, one could reasonably expect Jesus’ last words to be something along the lines of “God, I hath forsaken your Old Testament,” or “Father, I know you were drunk when you wrote the Old Testament. I’m honoured to have corrected your mistakes.”
Instead Jesus said this:
Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” When he had said this, he breathed his last. [Luke 23:46]
What the preachers of contradiction have to say about it:
Modern equivalent:
Moderator: Senator McCain, you have said repeatedly quote “I know alot less about economics than I do about military informed policy issues. I still need to be educated.
McCain: Actually, I don’t know where you got that quote from.
McCain: I’ve got to convince people because of my extensive background on the economy and knowledge.
McCain: I don’t have that kind of expertise to know whether exactly he has cut interest rates sufficiently or not.
4. Simon of Cyrene? Or Jesus of Nazareth?
Contradictions aside, the story of Jesus’ crucifixion is stupefyingly mortifying. They beat him, lashed him, cut him, stuck a ring of thorns around his head, and then made him carry the very device upon which he would die…
So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull. Here they crucified him…[John 19:17-18]
What the preachers of contradiction have to say about it:
Modern equivalent:
McCain: Neither party should be defined by pandering to the outreaches of American politics and the agents of intolerance whether they be Lewis Farrakhan or Al Sharpton on the left or Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell on the right.
Reporter: Do you believe that Jerry Falwell is still an agent of intolerance?
McCain: No I don’t
5. Judas committed suicide? Or Judas fell?
Now imagine you’re Judas. Jesus is dead, and you ratted him out. In other words, you narked out the one and only son of God – the one who was sent here to die for the sins of all mankind. Surely that must weigh heavy on your conscience. It only follows that you’re first option might be to just off yourself…
So Judas thew the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. [Matthew 27:5]
What the preachers of contradiction have to say about it:
Modern equivalent:
McCain: We either keep our word or we don’t keep our word. I intend to keep my word to the American people.
Me: See aforementioned contradictions.
* All biblical quotations are from the New International Version (NIV)
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Oh please, Tyler. You have not read all 350 000 words of in depth theology, in latin and greek, to make such assessments. Perhaps afterward, then you can bring your “supposed” contradictions.
On a serious note, nicely done. I love this post. You should tackle the Quran as a science textbook next…
Funny, how even when then work is done by the faithful, god’s word doesn’t survive translation – or maybe it does.
Damn! Tauriq beat me to a snide remark about your complete lack of knowledge of the thousands of pages of in-depth Biblical exegesis produced by Theophlyact of Ohrid in the 12th century clearly demonstrating that blah, blah, blah…. And the Koran will be next!
If I’m not mistaken, the second picture is of the amazing Ms. Phelps?
yup
When anyone calls the Bible “infallible,” I tend to assume they are referring to its excellent grammatical constructions.
Excellent post.Sustain the smashing work,You must definitely have to keep updating your site
hey, um… i was just reading the condradictions above, and i saw some errors disproving the condradictions.
!st contradiction. animals first or humans first.
Well on this one, i noticed that the statement in Genesis 2: 18-19 was in the past tense, showing that God had already made the animals, and was now bringing them before Adam. since the animals were made before, it isn’t that illological to assume that they were made before man, which makes the two passages harmonious again.
2nd contradiction. 2 or 7.
This one just states that the Noah was supposed to bring 7 clean animals and there mates, and 2 unclean animals. since they are different, there is no contradiction.
3rd contradiction what did Jesus say?
while reading the two passages, i noticed that John’s says that he “gave up his spirit” not that he died, so logically, John paraphrased Christ’s final words, “into your hands i commend my spirit” into “he gave up his spirit”
4th contradiction. Jesus or Simon?
This one i just thought was dumb. two people can carry something at the same time and they both would be considered to be carrying it. so i saw no contradiction at all
5th contradiction. how did judus die?
this one was somewhat interesting. honestly, its the only remotely possible contradiction. however, ive had it explained to me two ways
1) Judus was the one in charge of the money, so he used the money, (which was a reward that he got for his wickedness since it is postulated that none of the aposles would go ask him for it back.) and bought the field, where he hung himself . then the rope snapped, and the body opened up on impact,spilling the intestines
2) no one cared about Judus, so no one did a fact check.
all in all, it was very interesting, but not something that would “make you contradict your own existance.”
“2nd contradiction. 2 or 7. This one just states that the Noah was supposed to bring 7 clean animals and there mates, and 2 unclean animals. since they are different, there is no contradiction.”
I don’t think it’s as simple as that. How do you reconcile “two of every kind of bird” with “seven of every kind of bird”?
what are you people talking about no one really understands God thats why is is God, its said in the Bible his word will not be changed. So stop trying to change them, stop trying to figure God out, you will hurt yourself trying so stop.