Theologians are baffled today at the complete failure of divine intervention to prevent a recent global wave of starvation, war, and social strife.
“We’re really at a loss,” remarked renowned Christian theologian Alister McGrath. “Yesterday, thousands of people lived, and even died, in a state of extreme undernourishment, which totally defies expectations.” Mr. McGrath explained that “[n]ormally, the case has been that massive, starving populations are fed by manna from heaven, but yesterday everything was totally different.”
Regarding new numbers from this evening projecting an ongoing famine throughout sub-Saharan Africa, McGrath said that “hopefully, everything will be back to normal soon” and recommended increased levels of piety for at least the next 72 hours.
Meanwhile, Muslim theologian Imran Nazar Hosein expressed similar befuddlement over continuing violent strife in Darfur, Iraq, southeastern Europe, and in numerous acts of criminal violence worldwide. “We would expect that, in times like these, God, who is perfectly good and all-powerful, would just make an overt declaration that peace-making is morally good,” he said. “But for the past several days at least, soldiers as young as 12 have been sent to the battlefield in the Sudan, and we’re even getting reports of malevolent acts taking place in the United States itself.”
“We’d probably have to revise the textbooks over this one,” he continued, “if the textbooks weren’t infallible.”
Jewish scholar Shmuley Boteach could not be reached for comment as he was attending a conference on reports of increasingly violent anti-Semitism in Russia and Iran.
“According to all of our best current models, now should be the time that the Virgin Mary appears in a blinding flash of light and shocks all humanity into productive introspection on our inherently sinful nature,” remarked Catholic theologian Joseph “Pope Benedict XVI” Ratzinger. His laboratory in Italy, the well-funded global headquarters for theological inquiry in the field of Catholicism, is still puzzling over data suggesting that the Virgin Mary may have failed to prevent as many as 12 violent deaths in Iraq yesterday.
Ratzinger later said that his crack team of theologians is now combing pictures of windows, unusual cloud formations, and geological simulacra for some evidence of recent Marian activity that “might not have been as blinding as we would like.”
“Our main concern is that yesterday’s events will help fuel speculation by fringe outsiders that there may be an alternative explanation for why things are the way they are,” warned Protestant theologian Jack T. Chick. “But all the data to date suggests that if we just sit tight and continue praying as normal, God will eventually behave in a manner consistent with the established facts of theology.”
Richard Dawkins, a prominent off-the-mainstream theologian whose “There Probably Isn’t a God” theory has proven unpopular with the theological community, released a statement on his website this morning, saying that “[t]his is just one more crack in the crumbling edifice of establishment theology” and hoping that, “in light of this new evidence,” competing theories such as his will one day be taught in public seminary classrooms around the world.
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This is hilarious.
Keep this article on your clipboard. You could probably post it many times again and always be recent.
This is great. I especially liked Dawkins’s calling for teaching the controversy.
Meanwhile, Muslim theologian Imran Nazar Hosein expressed similar befuddlement over continuing violent strife in Darfur, Iraq, southeastern Europe, and in numerous acts of criminal violence worldwide. “We would expect that, in times like these, God, who is perfectly good and all-powerful, would just make an overt declaration that peace-making is morally good,” he said.
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This is Imran N. Hosein. I do not recall ever having said or written the above. Could you kindly remind me, Chris? Wherefrom did this quote originate?
In fact I am not at all befuddled about the causes of violence, war and oppression in all those places mentioned, as well as others that are in the queue waiting to be attacked by today’s monstrously evil Gog and Magog world-order.
It’s satire. Thanks for reading.
Also parody.
Don’t forget lampoonery, caricature, spoof, put-on, mockery, and subtly clandestine.
Which should be obvious given that Richard Dawkins and the Pope are among those quoted in the article.
Great reading! Very witty.
This is Imran N. Hosein. I do not recall ever having said or written the above. Could you kindly remind me, Chris? Wherefrom did this quote originate?
In fact I am not at all befuddled about the causes of violence, war and oppression in all those places mentioned, as well as others that are in the queue waiting to be attacked by today’s monstrously evil Gog and Magog world-order.
Thereby demonstrating once again that fundamentalists have no sense of irony – and, by extension, very little in the way of a sense of humor.
This is Imran N. Hosein. I do not recall ever having said or written the above. Could you kindly remind me, Chris? Wherefrom did this quote originate?
In fact I am not at all befuddled about the causes of violence, war and oppression in all those places mentioned, as well as others that are in the queue waiting to be attacked by today’s monstrously evil Gog and Magog world-order.
Thereby demonstrating once again that fundamentalists have no sense of irony – and, by extension, very little in the way of a sense of humor.