Chris Ray - August 25th, 2008 in Feature 0 votes Vote Up! Vote Down!

The day after the 7th anniversary of the unfathomably horrible attacks of 9/11/01, the Center for Inquiry and Guelph (College) Skeptics will co-host a debate-and-discuss in Toronto on the subject of the myriad conspiracy theories that have risen to help come to grips with the attacks. (Do not let the fact that my brother is one of the participants in the debate taint your perception of my motivations for pimping the event, but, more on that later). Presumably, the debate will center on defending and offending two and probably exactly two accounts of what happened on that terrible day seven years ago: the one side will argue that Muslim religious extremists who believed what their own holy book says destroyed the towers (and part of the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania) by launching kamikaze attacks with commercial airliners, and the other side will say that the Evil Government did it.

These theories are boring. We have heard variations of them before: some said that a lone nut shot JFK, others said that a laundry list of secret societies were behind it. We have been told that it was a deranged fan(atic) who shot John Lennon, but others have pointed to anti-counterculture agents of the FBI. Did aliens crash at Roswell, or a government project? I, as undoubtedly you also are, am tired of this crazy-versus-government dichotomy. So, in the interest of injecting a little Ralph Naderesque third-party diversity into the upcoming Toronto debate, let me present them with a little theory of my own that is a healthy medium between the two prevailing theories:

Dylan Avery blew up the World Trade Center.

Now, I am sure that you are as shocked as I was when I first stumbled upon this horrible, slightly befuddling truth. Dylan Avery, director of the groundbreaking 9/11 conspiracy documentary Loose Change, blowing up the World Trade Center? You scoff!

But think about it. The prime rule in conspiracy thinking is cui bono, that is, who benefits? According to the government’s official explanation, Muslim terrorists conducted the attacks. But what did they gain? Indefinite military escalation on the part of the United States and the alienation of their allies in Pakistan, not to mention the out-and-out obliteration of their terrorist fascism that once ruled Afghanistan. On the other hand, the conspiracy nutters say that the government did it in order to gain support for the Iraq invasion of 2003. But what did they really gain? The pro-war hawks got obliterated in the 2006 election, Hillary Clinton’s own primary bid was probably sabotaged singularly on the issue of her pro-war vote, and Bush is imprisoned in the inescapable mess of being labeled the worst and least popular president of all time. And when did his downward spiral begin? With the invasion.

My theory, on the other hand, makes perfect sense. Dylan Avery has profited immensely off of the tragic murder of thousands. I mean, who was this guy before “terrorists” handed him the biggest indie film contract in history? He was rejected by film school twice. He was probably living with his parents, at age 22, when he made the movie. He was so rock-bottom in his life that he even had to cavort and consort with losers and treasonous deserters like Korey Rowe. But now look at him: selling DVDs at $20 a pop. He has invented a personal subculture of facebook groups, message boards, and an underground merchandising empire of T-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers, books, and movies. He has been all over the conspiracy radioroll: mentioned everywhere, personally appearing in news, Coast-to-Coast, he and his associates are with Alex Jones… he is a celebrity now. He is the champion of a cause. And he can retire at 25 because of it. Is this suspicious to anyone?

And I say: how? Because he invented the cause.

I submit to the court Exhibit B: false flag operations. These are covert operations perpetrated by nations against other nations seeking to frame enemies for dastardly acts, with the intent of drumming up support for “retaliatory” action against the blamed party. According to the government’s official explanation, this was no false flag operation but this must be rejected because it seems ridiculous to me personally, therefore it is worthy of our collective suspicion. According to Avery’s conspiracy myth, the government ran the attacks as a false flag attempt to gain the PR momentum necessary to invade the Middle East. But this doesn’t make any sense because none of the hijackers were from Iraq or Afghanistan, yet those were the targets, and the government could easily have used a list of Afghani or Iraqi terrorists. No, those theories are both crap.

And that is why my case wins Exhibit B: who can say that the 9/11 Truth Movement has done anything besides hurl vitriol at the Republican Party? That’s right, Dylan Avery is a lifelong leftist, and I proudly proclaim that 9/11 was a false-flag operation designed to rally the conspiracy psychopaths against the Republican Party. Now, you might object that the radical far left already hated the GOP, but Avery’s dastardly plot even had the effect of rallying certain right-wing nuts against George Bush. And now Avery has his wish: an entire electorate built on blaming George Bush for murder. He even had Dennis Kucinich talking about it with him! It’s all going according to plan for Dylan Avery, but nobody seems to realize the obvious truth: Dylan Avery blew up the World Trade Center.

Exhibit C is particularly damning: Dylan Avery is not an engineer, knows nothing about engineering, yet he has been able to fling engineering claims around left and right. Melting steel does this, falling concrete does that, WTC 7 can’t do this, jetliners can’t do that, and look at this tiny photograph here, and here is how thermite works, and here is where you would have to plant it. But George Bush couldn’t have figured it out, as there were no PhD engineers anywhere in his cabinet. And yet there was Dylan Avery, with a master list of highly technical reasons why the World Trade Center could not have been destroyed by the plane. But it isn’t just like Dylan Avery was running a half-assed quote mine / rumor mill duplex of sloppy stupidity by begging unqualified engineers to rally to his cause or anything, because otherwise we would have to conclude that Avery is just an incompetent, deceptive buffoon, and if we did that we might be accused of ad hominems. Rather, the TRUTH is quite plain: Avery knew the ins and outs of the attacks almost immediately after they happened because, duh, Dylan Avery blew up the World Trade Center!

And then just think about the logistics. According to the conspiracy theory, the government did it. But as one of the individuals who will be debating on the 12th in Toronto has shown, this would have meant the involvement of literally thousands of people, including airline personnel, WTC personnel, soldiers, pilots, politicians, media… one screw-up anywhere in a chain of command a thousand ranks long would have been a complete controlled demolition of the Republican Party (and any of its conspirators) for about the next thousand years. Not only that, but they would have needed to have voice actors available and intelligence personnel to gather information to fake cell phone calls, and Avery has been unable to produce a list of prominent voiceover actors and actresses who vanished into the night on 9/12/01. Why is this? Because, as Exhibit D undeniably proves, Dylan Avery blew up the World Trade Center.

By now I’m sure you’re saying, “well yeah Chris, obviously Dylan Avery blew up the World Trade Center, but just so we can start producing pamphlets, protest signs and songs, low-quality Youtube diatribes, and an endlessly repetitive, self-plagiarizing blogroll, how did he do it?” Well, I’ll tell you!

See, the government theory has planes, but the conspiracy theory has thermite or other explosives. Now, the planes don’t make sense because Avery’s oddly brilliant and accurate analysis (see Exhibit C) shows that burning jet fuel can’t melt steel. But the conspiracy theory (thermite stashed at structurally significant points all over the World Trade Center) also makes no sense because it would take thousands of pounds of thermite to accomplish this, and the odds of the government squeezing a forklift full of thermite into a World Trade Center service elevator without a Democrat, a New York Times reporter, or a disgruntled ex-John Bircher noticing are rather low. So, my theory combines these two wrongs and makes a RIGHT: Dylan Avery blew up the World Trade Center by flying thermite-laden planes into the World Trade Center.

Firstly, Avery’s computer expertise is self-evident (I mean, the guy did make Loose Change on his home computer), so hacking into a jetliner’s navigational computer would be a cakewalk for him, and we know that it is at least possible since he has accused the government of doing just that, and it’s not like he would just make up claims about the capabilities of military electronic warfare measures. But where did he get the thermite? Well, the guy has to have plenty of money, because he has clearly demonstrated that his entire life and body are for sale, as when he was approached with a monetary offer to turn his script for a fiction movie about a 9/11 conspiracy into a documentary. Because it’s not like a guy would just whore out his soul to the highest bidder at the drop of a hat, this must have been a lifelong pattern of profound disinterest in self-respect, and so the guy probably had a lot of money stashed away under his bed from whatever previous prostitutions he had partaken in prior to his Loose Change days.

With that money, he had his right-wing militia friends (who all came together to endorse the 9/11 conspiracy theory right after “whoever” blew up the World Trade Center…) make him some thermite, and getting it onto the planes was nothing more than a simple matter of confusing airline computers into giving orders by email to pick up such and such a package and put it on such and such a commercial passenger jet.

And that is the Truth about 9/11. Dylan Avery is the culprit, and, with the help of canonical conspiracy thinking, we have proven it beyond all semi-literate doubt. Join us next week when we ask the toughest question in the history of modern science: Was 1969 the year of the Moon Landing, or was it just a Romulan Hoax??

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Tags: conspiracy theories, government, Media